please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
