no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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