You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
