fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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