What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
