Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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