The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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