best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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