His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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