Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
