Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
