Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
