So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
