A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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