Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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