Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
