Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
