I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
