Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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