He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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