i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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