Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
