I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
