Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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