he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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