Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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