we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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