somebody snuck up and got me drunk
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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