When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
