I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
