oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
