Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
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Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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