My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
