What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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