went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
