I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
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If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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