Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
