I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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