Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
