she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
