He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
