I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
