I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
