You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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