Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
