When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
