Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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