see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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