Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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