Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
