I must be too annoying 4 u.
I think I won the penis lottery.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
