I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
