I puked a lego.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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