babies were throwing up all over the place
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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