The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
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he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
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He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize