my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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