my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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