you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
